Knightmare parody of 'Hotel California' by The Eagles The first lines ever spoken on Knightmare were "Welcome, watchers of illusion, to the castle of confusion", and Lord Fear's henchman Skarkill has the catchphrase "LOVELY!", so the chorus just fell into place. The reference to the Dreadnorts also worked particularly well, since they were always threatening to take one of the dungeoneer's body parts ("perhaps an arm, perhaps a leg, maybe even a head"). The final line refers to Treguard's catchphrase "The only way is onward; there is no turning back". I think this is one of my favourite parodies – I've even recorded myself singing it, though I don't intend to upload it here! Parody lyrics On a dark winter Friday Schoolchildren prepare Warm welcome, advisors Conjured out of thin air "Now the Helmet of Justice To stop you losing your mind" My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim I had to go in there blind There I stood in the doorway I heard the dungeon rules And I was thinking to myself There could be dragons or there could be ghouls Then he turned to the portal And he showed me the way There were voices down the corridor I thought I heard them say... Welcome to the castle of confusion Such a LOVELY place (Such a lovely place) Such a LOVELY chase Plenty of doom at the castle of confusion Any time that Fear (Any time that Fear) Kills a dungeoneer His magic's evil and twisted He got the monsters he sends He got a lot of pretty spiffy toys So who needs friends How he laughs as the Dreadnorts Leave them all dead Some choose to dismember Some choose to behead So I called up the jester "Please help with the mine" He said: "We haven't used that method here Since 1989!" And still those voices are calling From far away When you're stuffed 'cos a riddle wasn't right You can hear them say... Welcome to the castle of confusion Such a LOVELY place (Such a lovely place) Such a LOVELY chase No winnin' the Cup at the castle of confusion What an awful price (What an awful price) For your bad advice Mogdred on the ceiling The entrance on the right And he said: "Now I hold you prisoner here With a catacombite!" And in the antechamber They're gathering their wits We jab it with a lady's glove But it just won't fall to bits Last thing I remember I was running for the door I had to find the passage back To the place I was before Alas, this is Knightmare They are programmed to attack You can check out any room you like But there's no turning back! Original lyrics – audio On a dark desert highway Cool wind in my hair Warm smell of colitas Rising up through the air Up ahead in the distance I saw a shimmering light My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim I had to stop for the night There she stood in the doorway I heard the mission bell And I was thinking to myself This could be Heaven or this could be Hell Then she lit up a candle And she showed me the way There were voices down the corridor I thought I heard them say... Welcome to the Hotel California Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place) Such a lovely face Plenty of room at the Hotel California Any time of year (Any time of year) You can find it here Her mind is Tiffany-twisted She got the Mercedes bends She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys That she calls friends How they dance in the courtyard Sweet summer sweat Some dance to remember Some dance to forget So I called up the Captain "Please bring me my wine" He said: "We haven't had that spirit here Since 1969!" And still those voices are calling From far away Wake you up in the middle of the night Just to hear them say... Welcome to the Hotel California Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place) Such a lovely face They livin' it up at the Hotel California What a nice surprise (What a nice surprise) Bring your alibis Mirrors on the ceiling The pink champagne on ice And she said: "We are all just prisoners here Of our own device" And in the master's chambers They gathered for the feast They stab it with their steely knives But they just can't kill the beast Last thing I remember I was running for the door I had to find the passage back To the place I was before Relax, said the night man We are programmed to receive You can check out any time you like But you can never leave! Back