Scottish flag 7th August 1993
Glasgow, Scotland

Celtic Park


MacPhisto: [sings] "It's my kind of town, is Glasgow, is... my kind of town!  I want to wake up in a city that doesn't give me the creeps."

Crowd: [cheer]

MacPhisto: "I love that one. What a show, what an evening. What a theatre!  I do love the theatre. Did you know that Macbeth – the man, not the play – died 400 years ago this evening? That's true. I know another great man, a great actor. He lives here in... he should live here in this town, but he doesn't. His name is Ian – Ian Lang..."

Crowd: [boo]

MacPhisto: "...Her Majesty's Secretary of State for Scotland."

Crowd: [boos and whistles]

MacPhisto: "I thought he was such a fine man! And a great actor – he has everybody thinking he's Scottish!  But he's not, you know, he's a Tory."

Crowd: [applause and boos]

MacPhisto: "...Like me!  Shall I give him a telephone call?"

Crowd: "Yeah!"

MacPhisto: "Hurry up, young man, wire me up. Thank you. Is this a telephone I see before me, the handle toward my hand? Tra-la-la..."

[dials]

MacPhisto: "Zero-three-one..."

Crowd: [laughter]

MacPhisto: "...five-five-six, eight-four-zero-zero. Out, out, damned Scot! Ha ha ha!"

[Man in crowd: "IAN, you're a fuckin' wanker!!"]

MacPhisto: "Yes..."

Man: "Can I help you?"

MacPhisto: "Hello?"

Man: "Hello, yes."

MacPhisto: "How are you? I'd like to speak to a Mr Ian Lang, please, if that's at all possible."

Man: "Er... well I'm, I'm afraid, sir, it's not possible just now. Can I ask who you are?"

MacPhisto: "My name is Mr MacPhisto, and... I'm a personal friend, and a fellow thespian. And I was just, I, I... he knows exactly who I am, and I'm surprised he hasn't told you I was going to call."

[phone ringing]

Man: "Just, just hold one second, please..."

MacPhisto: "Thank you very much [inaudible]. What a nice young man."

Man: "Right, if I could just have your name again, sir."

MacPhisto: "It's MacPhisto. That's M-A-C... you may be familiar with that one..."

Man: "Uh-huh."

MacPhisto: "...Fisto, F-I-S-T-O."

Man: "Right..."

MacPhisto: "And I'd just like to say I think he's doing a jolly good job up north, and these Scots are a rowdy bunch."

Crowd: [boo]

MacPhisto: "But I, um... I'd just like to, er, to congratulate him, and, um, tell him he's doing a fabulous job. That's fine."

Man: "And you'd like me to pass that message on, would you?"

MacPhisto: "I would."

Man: "Yes."

MacPhisto: "And there's just one other line: 'Out... out... damned... SCOT!'"

Crowd: [cheer]

[Ultra Violet begins]


[ Back to MacPhisto transcripts ]