11th August 1993
MacPhisto: [sings] "Those were the days, my friend... I thought they'd never end, la la-la-laa... da daaa da daa da daa..."
MacPhisto: "It's not the same, is it? No. Don't you miss the good old days? The Raj, the Empire! Don't you miss the good old days? No talking back from Paddies or Pakis, no! What's all the fuss – Salman Rushdie, he can't be English, can he? Shall I give him a telephone call?"
MacPhisto: "He's been taking my name in vain. Yes, all that bullshit about freedom of speech... ha-ha. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I sent him into t-- I sent him into exile... and I do have his number. Let me see. [Although I'm not sure this is gonna work.]"
MacPhisto: [sings] "Ta-da-da-daa..."
MacPhisto: "Hello, could I speak to Salman Rushdie? The name's MacPhisto."
Man: "Yeah, this is Salman Rushdie speaking."
MacPhisto: "Ah! Salman Rushdie, it's been a long time. Tell me, how miserable are you these days?"
Salman: "Actually, I'm very well. And in fact I'm quite happy too, thank you very much."
MacPhisto: "Do you get out and about much these days?" [laughs wickedly to himself]
Salman: "Oh yes, now and again. I have to be careful, of course – I've got even more trouble with the critics than you do."
MacPhisto: "Mm... maybe not! Well, let me see, I don't want to make you too jealous, because we're having an absolutely fabulous evening here at Wembley Stadium!"
Salman: "Yeah... yes, I know that – because I'm here too!"
MacPhisto: [turns to audience with raised eyebrows] "I beg your pardon?"
Salman: "I'm much closer to you than you could ever imagine. In fact, I can see you now. You're wearing a ridiculous gold suit, and you're standing in front of 50,000 of the loudest people I've ever heard in my life!"
MacPhisto: "Ah... I suppose that's you with the blond wig over there, is it, Salman? Well, I don't know what to say to you, I'm so [mumbles]-- are you not afraid? Are you not afraid? Come out if you're not afraid. Salman Rushdie, I don't believe you're here. No chance. Salman Rushdie, no chance!"
[Salman appears onstage and approaches MacPhisto]
MacPhisto: "Oh my god."
MacPhisto: "Oh my god. I think you might need these, Salman!" [clears throat]
Salman: [laughs] "I'm NOT afraid..."
MacPhisto: "The Red Devils."
Salman: "...and I'm not afraid of YOU!"
Crowd: [jeers and whistles]
[MacPhisto kneels and kisses Salman's hand, then wraps an arm around his shoulders]
Salman: [laughs] "Real devils don't wear horns."
MacPhisto: [shrugs and smiles] "Salman Rushdie – ladies and gentlemen, I bow to the superior man!"
[Salman hugs MacPhisto; they both salute the crowd]
MacPhisto: "Thank you."
Salman: "Thank you. I gotta dash! Must disappear, gotta run!"
[Ultra Violet begins]
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