Australian flag 27th November 1993
Sydney, Australia

Football Stadium


MacPhisto: "Thank you. Look what you've done to me. You've made me very famous and I thank you. I know you like your pop stars to be exciting so I bought... these." [shows off platform boots] "Now, my time among you is almost at an end... the glory of ZooTV must ascend and take its place with all the other satellites." [clears throat] "Don't fear... for I'll be watching you. I leave behind video cameras for each of you!"

Crowd: [cheer]

MacPhisto: "Tape each other! Tape yourselves! Children, tape your parents. Parents... take care." [gestures to stage set] "Take all of this, and watch it... I will be with this always, as close to you as your VCR and your personal headphones."

Crowd: [cheers and whistles]

MacPhisto: "So many listening tonight, I... have a list. People of America – shush... I gave you Bill Clinton, I put him on CNN, NBC, C-SPAN... too tall to be a despot, but watch him closely. People of Asia... your time is coming; without your tiny transistors, none of this would be possible. People of Europe... when I came among you, you were squabbling like children; now you're all hooked up to one cable – as close together as... stations on a dial. People of the former Soviet Union... I've given you capitalism. So now you can all dream of being as wealthy and glamorous as me."

Crowd: [cheer]

MacPhisto: "People of Sarajevo, count your blessings – there are those all over the world who have food, heat and security, but they're not on TV like you are!  Frank Sinatra, I give you MTV demographic. You're welcome. Salman Rushdie, I give you decibels. Goodbye Squidgy, I hope they give you Wales. Goodbye Michael. Goodbye all you neo-Nazis... I hope they give you Auschwitz."

Crowd: [cheer]

MacPhisto: "Around about this time, I often make a telephone call – some, some... sometimes to the President of the United States, but... not, not-- not tonight. Tonight I'm-- I'm going to call a taxi to take me home, 'cos I'm tired."

[dials]

Woman: "Thank you for calling Taxis Australia."

MacPhisto: "Hello?"

Woman: "Okay, can you tell me your name and the address?"

MacPhisto: "My name is Mr MacPhisto, I'm looking for a taxi to take me from Sydney Football Stadium--"

Woman: "Right, okay, sir – what is your name? ...Hello?"

MacPhisto: "My name is Mr MacPhisto."

Crowd: [cheer]

Woman: [sounds like "What is that noise?"] "Hello?"

MacPhisto: "Hello, what is your name?" [pitifully] "...Hello?"

[woman hangs up – MacPhisto raises an eyebrow]

Crowd: [laughter]

MacPhisto: [sings] "Show me the way to go home... I'm tired and I want to go to bed... I had a little drink about an hour ago, and it's gone... right... to... my... head..."

[Lemon begins]


[ Back to MacPhisto transcripts ]