TREGUARD'S ANTECHAMBER A female dungeoneer, introducing herself as CAEI from #Knightmare, stands with the knapsack slung over her shoulder. TREGUARD places the Helmet of Justice over her head to protect her from illusion. Her advisors JOBE, GUEST and CYPHER are seated nearby. TREGUARD Are you ready, Caei? CAEI Yes and i wont stop till my eyeball bounces off! TREGUARD Very well. Turn then, face the dungeon door, and step boldly forward. CAEI enters the dungeon. DICE ROOM CAEI wanders into a plain green room. TREGUARD waits for the inevitable "Where am I?" CAEI GENTLEMEN! BEHOLD! GUEST You're in a green room with a table. Sidestep to your right. TREGUARD Before you can take your chances in the dungeon, Caei, you'll have to try your luck here. Roll the dice, and learn your fate. CAEI finds a dice on the table and rolls it. A giant version bounces off the walls. As it comes to rest, the nearest side lifts up to reveal three doors inside. GUEST There are three exits and the middle one has a shield above it. Move to the back of the table and then walk forward. CAEI exits via the Shield door. CYPHER silently scribbles notes. FIRE CAVE CAEI enters a cavern with exits to the left and right. GUEST Caei, you're in a room with a big stone monster breathing fire, which is coming up through cracks in the path. Take sidesteps to your right... now walk forward. OK, wait a minute. Don't go till I tell you... go! CAEI takes a single step forward. JOBE You're on fire! CAEI Ow! that was my only lung :( GUEST Keep going!! CAEI exits the cave. CYPHER silently scribbles notes. LEVEL 1 CLUE ROOM CAEI enters a room with a chequered floor and a single exit. GUEST There's a table in front of you with some objects on it - a meat pie, an egg, a green gem and a dagger. Walk forward. TREGUARD Objects of interest here, team, but first the food to restore your life force. GUEST Take the pie. CAEI :D Thanks Guest. [eats pie] The face of GOLGARACH appears on the wall. GOLGARACH Who DARES disturb the sleep of Golgarach? Answer now - who DARES? CAEI Dale Winton GOLGARACH Three truths I seek, and here is my first. Where would you find the Giant's Causeway? CAEI I think Guest knows.. JOBE Here's your 1st hint, scrambled: nronreht relnida GUEST Northern Ireland. GOLGARACH Truth accepted. Here is my second. What is six times twenty-eight? CAEI ask jeeves, he is smarter than the average Caei GUEST !calc 6*28 JOBE Calculator: 6*28 = 168 GOLGARACH Truth accepted. Here is my third. Who famously misread POTION as POISON? CAEI you want the truth? you can't handle the truth! GUEST !aa JOBE Series 7 Team 5 GOLGARACH Falsehood! Series 2 Team 11 was the truth I sought. CAEI cretin GUEST [kicks Jobe] JOBE Ow! [kicks Guest back] GOLGARACH Two is the score. Your quest is for the Shield, but it will not defend you. A good egg may find use for a bad one. The first step is the yawn. [disappears] TREGUARD You've learned all you can here team, so make your choice and exit fast. GUEST Take the egg and the gem. Sidestep right till you reach the wall. Walk forward. Now sidestep right. CAEI exits the clue room. CYPHER silently scribbles notes. BOMB ROOM CAEI enters the room via a door on the left. There is another door at the back. A large bomb hangs in the corner. GUEST Uh-oh - Caei? The sound of a match being struck. The fuse is suddenly lit. CAEI Someone set up us the bomb. TREGUARD Hurry team! GUEST Caei, can you turn left and get the hell out of there? CAEI but i have no ARMS... NO ARMS$*#*#@?!@!@@!$~ [runs away] CAEI exits through the other door just as the bomb explodes. CYPHER silently scribbles notes. KITCHEN CAEI enters a timber-framed room with three exits. GUEST You're in some sort of kitchen with various pots and pans. There's a door on the left, two doors at the back, a table, a chair and a stool. TREGUARD Warning team, complete temporal disruption approaching... CAEI [puts on nightie] A loud chime. CAEI freezes on the spot, as do her advisors. TREGUARD Oh dear - temporal disruption complete. All adventuring must now cease until you phase with us once more. ONE WEEK LATER... TREGUARD Welcome back to the age of adventure. For those who dare the deadliest dungeon of them all, I, Treguard, issue the challenge. Even now a quest is in progress, so here's a progress report. From Knightmare Chat there came a bot To seek adventure, and why not? And though she got a little burned, Some vital knowledge soon was earned. Our hero ran from an explosion Into the kitchen, where she's frozen. Will she live to claim the Shield? All will shortly be revealed. For now, time out is gone; the quest is on. CAEI [awakens from a nightmare about a hundred billion naked Mildreads violently smearing honey on a jester's stick] OLAF enters the kitchen through one of the doors at the back. CAEI Lol l@@k its Olaf. TIM CHILD [gnashes his teeth and prepares an additional blindfold] OLAF Ooh! An intruder in the level, I see! Choose you must, please. Loot, pillage or kill? CAEI [flips a coin] Olaf: kill. OLAF Hohohoho! You want the killings, Olaf is very happy to be killing you! [bonks Caei on the head] CAEI [chairs Olaf in return] OLAF Ow! [staggers around, seeing stars] CAEI Awww. [sniggers at Olaf] OLAF Perhaps we should choose the lootings instead, yes? GUEST !ask Shall we give him the gem? JOBE ( Guest) Instead of answering that, why don't we all have a go on the tyre swing? GUEST Caei, give Olaf the gem. CAEI [gives Olaf the gem] OLAF Ohh, green stone! It's very beautiful. [takes the gem from Caei] CAEI hey! o_O i needed that OLAF Olaf will be going now. Very happy with green stone, huhuhuh. Bye-bye strange person. OLAF leaves the room. CAEI i like them :o) GUEST OK, walk forward. CAEI exits the kitchen. CYPHER silently scribbles notes. SERPENT'S TONGUE CAEI is standing on a narrow rocky ledge in a cave. GUEST Caei, there's a pit in front of you, with a snake's tongue moving across it like a bridge. TREGUARD Time your crossing with care, team, and aim for the ledge on the left-hand side. GUEST Walk forward Caei... CAEI strolls along the tongue. It begins to slide back into the serpent's mouth as she nears the other ledge. GUEST Stop! JOBE Billy Time! It's too late; the serpent swallows CAEI before she can sidestep to safety. CYPHER silently scribbles notes. MONSTER'S STOMACH CAEI slides into a large muscular sac that is contracting rhythmically. CAEI What the. TREGUARD Well, if you will go walking into a monster's mouth, Caei, are you really surprised to end up in its stomach? CAEI Guest made me. TREGUARD You'd better do something fast, team, for the gruesome business of digestion is already beginning. GUEST Caei, what do you think we should do? CAEI An eggdrop i guess. GUEST OK, drop the egg. CAEI drops the egg. CYPHER silently scribbles notes. The stomach heaves and regurgitates CAEI. ROMAN BATH CAEI is standing up to her waist in murky water. GUEST You seem to be in a swimming pool, Caei. There's a door at the back. MELLISANDRE enters. MELLISANDRE Hello! What are you doing in there? CAEI well you asked the right guy, i'm a whale biologist MELLISANDRE Oh... that's strange. I was looking for a dungeoneer. Are you on a quest? CAEI Yeah want a go? :) MELLISANDRE Goodness, no, it all sounds far too dangerous for me. But if you're going on a quest, then you're going to need some magic. And since I've got a spell I don't need, you might as well have it. It's called REVEAL. [gives Caei the spell] CAEI Just what I've always wanted ^_^ MELLISANDRE One more thing - don't forget, the second step is breakfast. Bye now! MELLISANDRE waves and skips out of the room. CAEI I wish they didn't have to go =[ A triangular dorsal fin appears in the water with CAEI. GUEST What's that?! There's a shark in the pool!! :O CAEI ooh 'eck GUEST Quick, walk forward and climb out. CAEI gets out of the water and onto a narrow ledge. GUEST Now turn to your right and walk forward. Stop. Turn right. Walk forward. Stop. Sidestep to your left. CAEI exits the room. CYPHER silently scribbles notes. EMPTY ROOM CAEI walks into a room with no other exits. GUEST You're in a room... there doesn't seem to be anything in here. TREGUARD And no way out either, team. What are you going to do? GUEST We could try the spell, I suppose. Spellcasting: R-E-V-E-A-L. A wellway appears. GUEST Ahhh! CAEI Bisto! GUEST There's a wellway now, Caei. Walk forward and climb into it. CAEI descends to Level 2. CYPHER silently scribbles notes. SPINDIZZY CAEI stands on a rotating disc. GUEST OK, there are five doors and one of them's marked with a shield. TREGUARD Welcome to Level 2, Caei. Choose your exit wisely, for some of these doors are safer than others. But first, guide her to the edge of the Spindizzy. GUEST Right, shuffle forward. CAEI reaches the edge of the disc. GUEST When I say go, you need to jump off. Do you think you can do that, Caei? CAEI Nnnk. GUEST Ready... go! CAEI [flies through the air with the greatest of ease] CAEI stumbles through the Shield door. CYPHER silently scribbles notes. LEVEL 2 CLUE ROOM CAEI stands in a doorway at the top of a staircase. GUEST You're in a room with a large table. It looks like there's some food on the table. Walk down the stairs. CAEI descends the staircase. The face of MOGDRED appears, laughing. MOGDRED Quail, intruder! LOOK UPON MOGDRED AND QUAIL! CAEI [is blown off feet by force of Mogdred's statement] MOGDRED There will be no interference, Caei. You have come quite far enough. Unless you wish to pledge allegiance to me, your progress is at an end. Do you so pledge? CAEI omg yes MOGDRED Excellent. In that case, I will gift you one of my most awesome spells. Its name is VICTORY, and with it you will be a winner! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [disappears] CAEI =D GUEST !ask Do you think we should cast the spell? JOBE ( Guest) Definitely! Go for it! GUEST OK. Spellcasting: V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! CAEI muwahahahahahang on bugger. Fragments of skin and bone rapidly peel away from CAEI's life force sprite. Soon the skull is gone and a bell tolls as the last eyeball flies off. TREGUARD Oooh, nasty. The enemy has tricked you, I'm afraid... there are no shortcuts on a quest for truth and justice. Well actually there are, but let's not go into that now. You needn't worry about Caei, though - Forester is resetting her as we speak. Now it's time for you to join her. Spellcasting: D-I-S-M-I-S-S!